My Journal!

You'll find lots of complaining and bitching.

What's been going on with me...

Parent Teacher Night (2025/10/16): Today, my mom drove me to school since its getting so cold out. I was on announcements, as I am every thursday. It went a lot better than last week. I've been having many moments like these recently; I'll go through something pretty easily, and then I'll remember a week ago when I was struggling with that same moment. Every day, things get easier. I can always bet that they'll get easier, and maybe they wont right away. But eventually it does. It's nice. I bussed back home during my spare and I got some canned tuna so that I could donate it. In return, I was given a ticket that would let me miss my last period to go watch a volleyball game. It was for some sort of fundraiser for breast cancer. I biked back to school. I sat with my new friend and her friend, and it was really nice. Lots of laughs. Both from me, and them. Our school won the volleyball game. I came home and slept until 5:30, when my mom woke me up and we went to parent teacher night. Lots of back and forth between my home and school today, now that I think about it. Talked to my teachers and they all had great things to say about me, so I'm feeling pretty good. I feel like I'm being too egotistic though, if that makes sense. It makes me uncomfortable to hear my teachers say nice things about me, but only a little bit. I saw two of the people im slowly becoming friends with and it was pretty awkward. I wish I was a bit more friendly and said more than hello. Next time i'll do better.; I think that girl that i'm distracting myself from my previous crush with is friends with this other girl. Last semester, maybe in march, this girl dropped her glass container on the floor. Some stupid guy made a big deal about it and was like "oooooohhhhh!!!" and i could tell she was embarrassed. Shattered glass isnt safe so I went over and asked if I could go get the janitor for them. the girl said yes but was very standoffish. As i left I saw her and her friends throw away the big pieces of glass with their freaking hands!!! When I came back and told them that the janitor was coming, the girl ignored me for a solid 20 seconds to continue talking to her friends. When she was done, she turned to me and was said something along the lines of "huh...?" I repeated what i said and she was like okay... That made me not want to help anyone for like a month. when the janitor came they ignored him and didnt tell him where the glass was. even if they got rid of the big pieces theres smaller shards everywhere. why inconveniece people further? so fucking stupid. potential crush girl is friends with that girl. Pretty close I believe. I think she's straight also. so. yeah. but she likes fragrances and chainsaw man and those are some pretty big interests of mine. I think we'd get along. We'll see...almost all my friends are falling in love. I hate cuffing season. sigh. it was a good day. whatever.
Got over it really quick. (2025/10/15): My friend I was supposed to go see during lunch in the art room ended up not being at school today cause she's sick. I guess even Alphas have their moments of vulnerability... SUGOI! anyway, I went to gay club instead and the first few minutes I was disassociating a little bit because I didnt know if all the people I am trying to befriend were going to show up or not. They did and it was definitely really awkward for the first few minutes but i think I shared a few good laughs with the two that I was speaking with the most. Idk I'm back in a slump of just being generally unfunny so I feel like I wasn't able to shine as much as I wanted to. I dont know how to make people laugh again. I'll just watch a bunch of stand up comedy youtube and see if that helps. I wore my adrienne lenker shirt that I thrifted on friday and I got some compliments for that. The feelings of being a failure is still lingering in the pit of my stomach though. I think its because of how awkward I was but I cant help that, so I just need to cope. I was thinking about skipping going gym today cause I needed to finish my english assignment but I just submitted it, so I might end up going so I cant stop thinking for a little bit. I ran out of protein powder though, i dont think im actually making gains. I dont feel like I am!; Anyway as I was saying before all this about getting over it, I'm referring to yesterday's entry where I found out that my little crush has a boyfriend. I'm not calling my crush "little" to make it seem cute, it was really just little. She and her boyfriend came in during gay club and i honestly didn't feel anything. The highs correspond to the lows, I guess. Like I woke up this morning and immediately forgot about the sticky depression of last night. The sun was shining and the sky was blue, man. It's not like I'm being entirely healthy about it though because I kind of stalked another girl that's in their friendgroup on her insta to see if I could displace my crush onto her. Very weird of me. I think maybe I should get into celebrity crushes if I need something like this so bad. I think that this girl is also dealing with her own problems right now and if theres one things I DONT want is to take on more than I have the capacity to. Therapy speak! Everyone is a little mentally unwell. I know this! I, personally,am also not well, as much as I make jokes about it. But what really gets me in a person is that despite all these problems they may have, they still find time and energy to create, or go to the gym, do sports, have a job, etc. Ofc this eliminates some people who are simply not there in their journey yet, or those who havent started that journey at all, but that's the nature of these kinds of things. My kind of thing. If im going to date someone, they need to have moved on from getting all their leftist humanist takes from tiktok or instagram reels, they need to take that first step into putting in the work. I think the coolest thing that me and a partner could do together is create a game, or go volunteer! contribute to the community! thats what matters, thats what gives life meaning, and if youre bed rotting constantly, its because you havent realized that yet. once you do, i think you can find strength. i understand that sounds a bit haughty, but again, im not interested in those who take offense in what i wrote. thats what ive been trying to say this entire second half of the entry. hating yourself gets oooolldd real quick.; My friend is going to come to school tomorrow, or at least she said so. Hopefully i can find my groove again and try my best to make her laugh. maybe i need to get less self absorbed. but then i dont make any jokes at all... i just watch people... i think being funny takes a little bit of self absorption anyway.
im going to kill myself (2025/10/14): She has a boyfriend... Honestly I shouldve seen it coming that instagram post was not giving off "we are just friends" vibes. To be honest I havent been able to stop myself from observing things about their relation to see if I could wedge myself in there but those thoughts are stupid as hell and honestly fucking horrible of me.I feel really gross admitting that, but omitting it to look respectable goes against the whole philosophy of this website. Sigh. The final throes of having a crush i guess. It explains why she's generally uninterested? idk i dont want to be like ugghhh she was actually a bad person this entire time, but the rose tinted glasses are off now. I moped around for like three hours reading some yaoi (it was good). Even if I could wedge myself in there I think that would make me less interested cause I dont want to be with someone who would do that to their partner. Anyway. Good for them and happy birthday to her boyfriend, I wish them much happiness. I'll still try to make friends with her and her friends cause they all seem really cool though! Still, I'm a little sad lol. did I already mention that I cant join robotics cause i didnt do a thing right? yeah well yeah. Now i gotta lock in for somethign else. everyday I feel like my future is slipping out of my hands. I mean it is. so.; Honestly, what a pickle I put myself into. I really dont like the current friendgroup im in now especially since my sweet sweet pwincess is now in the mental hospital. I'll try to show up for her cause that's a relationship I value. But the resentment and the stain it leaves are too hard to scrub out. I dont even have the desire to scrub for these people. i really only have a problem with the twins. Thank god for my little Sigma who invited me to lunch in the art room with her and I assume her friend. Perhaps I will wiggle my way into that group. But truthfully my ultimate goal was to be in my ex-crush's friendgroup because I stalked their pinterests and what I could see of their instas and made a really cool version of them in my mind. I will have to just find that alt queer punk identity within myself since there isnt much more choice. I could still wiggle my way in but i feel like as of now its too awkward to do something like that. Regardless, I dont like where I am right now. I'll do something drastic so I can at least be in a more comfortable position. Tomorrow will be good for me. OHH wait I have gay clurb tomorrow though. Should I still go? Maybe I'll drop by real quickly just to say hi to everyone, or bring my sigma with me. I'll decide tomorrow.
cried for maybe the first time about my old friends
: just thought about all the stuff i usually do but i guess with more misery. Making friends is hard. im trying to be hopium about it but i mean. god. I hate it. I hate my nervousness and I hate being vulnerable. I feel like my heart is going to pump so hard it'll get a cramp and shrivel up. You know, at the end of the day, I lost. Im in a stupid boring fuck ass town, fifty kilometers away. All my good friends are at my old school. so are all the opps who were once also good friends. maybe they all gather around a table at lunch and they talk about how much i suck. self centered, i know. thats the kind of fear i have deep down, though. thats what gets whispered into my ear late at night. im surrounded by fuckign losers who make the most unfunny jokes ever. childish fucks. making new friends makes me feel so embarrassed, espeically since they're grade 10s. i feel like a predator. but everyone i loved is back at home, for the third year now. same people, for the third year now. I dont think he misses me at all. i hate having to get a new job. i dont want all my free time to get taken away. my head hurts. i know theres only one way to go now and thats forwards, and i know thats good for me. i truly understand that. but i keep thinking about what he said to me. he was wrong, obviously, and when it mattered the most he couldnt make use of his reading comprehension skills, but when he told me that i chose the die in this hole i just wanted to fucking pounce on him and rip his face off. what the fuck did he know about me? nothing. chose to die in this hole? im still alive fucker. what hole? i was actively crawling out of one. but im still crawling out. maybe its a dante's inferno type thing. either way, i either need to get the hell out of this friendgroup or stop complaining about them so much. and i think we both know im not going to stop complaining. gotta keep crawling. i dont want to. im tired. im scared. what if i actually never knew how to even use my limbs and this whole time ive just been wriggling on the ground, high off a fantasy where im normal? i cant entertain those thoughts. gotta keep crawling.
j.j....j..j...j.....job....: I did like 5 shitty life drawings, five minutes each, then applied to a bunch of job apps. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I used chatgpt to tailor my resume to each posting but honestly I will give back the energy I am given. What the hell else am I supposed to do fucking hand write/edit for each different mega corporation so that they can pay me minimum wage? I may be a teenager but my labour's still as good as anyone elses so just fucking hire me good lordy.
IM LOCKED IN!!!!!!!!
: I have begun the process of getting to know some cool people. they were at the aforementioned gay clurb meeting. Soon enough I will infiltrate their friendgroup and i will attend their weddings giving speeches about how I schemed (being nice) my and tricked them (being interested in what theyre interested in) into being my captives (my friends). I am actually locking in Im going to be the extrovert I was always meant to be. And also. Everytime I try to be the better, more social version of myself, I think of you, Syeda. We were all a bunch of cowards, so it wasnt like you actually had anything to worry about. But I find myself making the same jokes and using the same tactics as you. I'll find my own way eventually, I'll probably overwrite your mannerisms with mine, but until then, as I walk away from an interaction with a new phone number in hand, I get sad. Its weird to admit that. I hope you get sad thinking about me too. I hope they all get sad thinking about me. Probably not. Oh well! Onwards we go. No other direction to walk.
IM NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!: Me and bro went ambling. it was sooo good she talked about all the same things i've noticed about the friend group being weird. we're going to escape them together bro!!1 i dont know if we're necessarily going to end up in the same friend group but hey company always makes things better. I knew i was right for being evil these people are fucking weird. I honestly can't wait until university.
on the horizon...: GONNA JOIN THE ROBOTICS TEAM!! NO EXCUSES!! i want to push myself. I think I'd be a great addition. I'd learn so much. I am sooo good at fucking around and finding out. also, I am going to go to the gay clurb at school on wednesday. i have come to terms with the fact that I am ugly as shit, but we cope. i want to make friends, specifically gay non-white people who are as into things im into. or even more! wouldn't that be the dream? to know people that know what the hell you're talking about? who like the same things you do? well. i already have like three people who are like that lol. can you blame a girl for wanting more friends! where are the marxists! the anarchists! the agitators! the looters! the people who in many instances have absolutely no idea what theyre doing!
tim horties gift card
: I did a focus group for the transit system in my old town and it was litt.. so cool connecting with people over our shared experiences (even though that wasnt exactly the goal and i dont live there no mo) but i did worry i derailed the conversation too much. idk there was a guy who was clearly a transit fetishist (pot calls kettle) and he knew what he was talking about. it felt redundant to repeat those points so i just focused on my experience as a teen that must rely on her parent or the public transit system. i got a $20 dollar gift card for that though. cant wait to get a single chicken wrap that tastes like cardboard. tim hortons you mean nothing to me but food is food.
Not that bad...: new friendgroup ive joined are not honestly not that bad. I appreciate the company. I didn't realize how depressed I was when I barely had any friends, but as soon as I had people to talk and laugh with I feel like the world has regained some colour... i am a too simple creature. its a great thing that we all are. we can be simple together. we went to the mall together and laughed really loud. i bought a popeyes original sandwich combo for allll my allowance money from my mama and told them about communism (i was very bad at explaining but they seemed interested. thank god for low stakes situations) and it was really nice. i think that some of them arent really funny, or kindaa dorkey??? but im sure they feel the same way about me when i make jokes about "busts". i wish they would stop hijacking my jokes sometimes though. just because you take the subtext that was implied from what i said doesnt make it funnier okay you just ruined the magic.
Zohran Mamdani please...: zohran mamdani clone yourself and come to canada please i am begging. mr mom dami... mr man dani....
I love having a spare: I love sitting in the library in front of the big windows watching people get on buses and go places and moms and dads pushing strollers and hearing the chatter and laughter... no one is paying attention to me and i am allowed to exist among people... so nice of them...
Drawing!!!
: I've been rediscovering my love for art... i might be going back on the grind. who knows. the ladies love an artist am i right or am i right haha.; also... that girl that keeps interrupting me... idk if thats just how she is but today the mixed signal girl asked me how to draw hair (we are chill now btw) and she kept answering for me. GIRL! people know that there are different hair types but thats not what being discussed now is it... mind your beeswax! i had to talk over her to explain scalps and parting lines and shit. no one knows what theyre talking about in this god for saken school... this god forsaken town... get me out of here
Surrounded by the enemy...: AUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!; GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!! BOMB ALL SUBURBIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate lesbians: Weird ass mixed signals i didnt even ask for.... okay emotionally unstable and immature! fuck off with that bullshit... i did not want you bro and i dont mean that in a ugh i didnt even want you anyway straight guy that got rejected, you genuinely freak me out girl.... you scare me... i do not claim this energy. manifesting mentally well women that enjoy the same things i do. thank god that i am not that weak i may want to be held to the point i'd kill someone i still have standards okay.
new friends!!!!
: the vibes are kinda off with one of them but she's politics maxxed like me so i will take what i can get... i want to know more about what her positions are. she seems bad at articulating them, and is more concerned with sounding smart than conveying ideas to people. thats okay. I was like that too when I was younger. another krocier W i guess. BUT I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH ANOTHER PERSON!!! BRO IS ACTUALLY SO FUNNY. the pros and cons of joining friendgroups i suppose... sigh....... UPDATE: they suck im on my way outta hereeeee
DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT SOCIALISM!: Girl doesnt even know what she's talking about... just because you have relatives that died in socialist countries doesnt make you an expert on the subject... you still gotta educate yourself like the rest of us... girl is interrupting me everytime i say something.... something about her is very condescending but maybe i'm picking up the vibes wrong. Everyday I go home and write 10 page lo writer docs about how wrong she is... at least im locking in and reading theory. idk how i can do praxis yet though... i am not a good samaritan bro i want everyone to blow up... but for daddy marx i guess i will try to understand and love my neighbour for we are all deserving of a better future...
AAAAUUUGGHHHHHHhhhHHHHHH!!!!: anthropology teacher asking me why i dropped her course...... I DONT EVEN KNOW MYSELF MA'AM! i have a reason to give if she ever asks me herself but it was mostly to prove a point... can you blame a girl for not wanting to lose credibility with her mama.

Dreams...

I dont remember it but it was bad.(2025/10/15): When I try to recall what happened I can only fish out little flashing snippets. It was not good though. I think everyone found out that I hate them and then they all abandoned. wait i just remembered. My current crush (WHO I FOUND OUT HAS A BOYFRIEND TODAY. what the hell.) was dating my ex and basically my two worlds, past and present, collided and it was not good for me. I am getting chills just thinking about it. Thank god I am not there anymore honestly.
$54,650 CAD: I dreamt about many things last night. For one, almost everyone from the friend group was there, at least in the beginning. I was calling them out for being weird, but then you started texting me and all my attention shifted to that. You started to be really passive aggressive and then wired me $54,650 and i sent it right back cause I didn't want your money. But then my mom took me out to the bank to collect "my school pay" (money the government paid every student for going to school) and I got $106,300. I don't even know how i did that math in my dream.
Lately:: No bad dreams. At least none worth remembering. No good dreams that I can remember either. I will take it as a win!
My face melted off.: My face melted off and it felt good. I wasn't ugly anymore. I didn't look like my dad. I woke up and my skin looked extra smooth so I guess it's good I kept it. My face card only swipes in the mornings.
I had another dream about you.: I was back at your school, in the theatre room, and someone else was talking to me. They were happy. You kept glaring at me, and I wanted to cry when I saw your face. Everytime I was asked a question, you would answer for me. Aggressively, angrily. I let you, because I felt you knew better than me. You interrogated me accusingly. I don't remember what you said. I don't remember what I was asked. I woke up and I wanted to see you. I laid in bed, wondering how I'd reach you and what I'd say. Maybe through Pinterest DMs. I had to remind myself that I don't know if you want to talk to me again or not. My assuming that you do only shows that I didn't and don't take what you said seriously. I hurt you, and I feel I had a right to. You made your decision. I respect that. At least outwardly. I make myself feel better by hoping you miss me too. I make myself feel worse by knowing you don't go back on your word. You mean what you say. I'll believe it.
First Dream since we stopped being friends.: I dreamed about being on my phone (crazy), on discord. I was staring at your profile, and you had changed everything up again. Your profile was brighter, the colour of a pale buttercup. You didn't have a name anymore. You got rid of your name because of me. Because of how I said it, too many times. You didn't want it anymore because I had worn it down. You had no name, untethered. But I could feel that you were free, and happy. It was radiating through my screen. I woke up and I didn't know how to feel. I wanted to suggest new names for you. I felt guilty I made you do that. I felt stupid, because I can't make you do anything, especially not now. I wanted to polish your name and give it back to you, shiny and seemingly unused. I say your name sometimes and feel a disconnect; you are no longer him. you do not show up in the search bar results. Not my friend anymore. I thought we were going to know each other forever. I still can't believe it lasted just one year.

My Journal!

What's been going on with me...

Dreams...

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